September 15, 2011 Issue

Front covers of Nightmoves & Mainland Press:

Hot off the presses

Gator’s Rant

More things that piss me off

Financial Advisers.
When you are approached by or introduced to a Financial Adviser, you should be aware of several important facts: First of all, he (or she) is probably NOT a “real” financial adviser. Most likely he is an life insurance salesman with an investment gimmick attached to his policies. Which is bad, because investing is taking a financial risk, and insurance is the opposite – it eliminates financial risk. So, when you combine the two, it becomes a zero-sum game, and you lose. But the salesman gets to put his hands into both of your pockets at once! He wins every time.
But even if you have a “legitimate” financial adviser, one without an insurance license, you are still going to get screwed. Remember, these guys aren’t paid to grow your money. They don’t get a cut of your gains or share in your losses. They get a flat rate, a percentage of whatever they can get you to spend.
That’s why they are always saying now is a good time to buy stocks. Whenever the market goes down, they say “Get in there and pick up some bargains” and when the market is up, they say “Blue sky, don’t miss the ride!”
These fuckers also profited from Enron and other debacles, but they never had to disgorge any of the billions they milked out of the middle class through their financial advising.
If you’re crazy enough to buy stocks, you don’t need some dickhead who didn’t see the sky falling last time around, and won’t see it next time either. This is an occupation comprised mostly of greedy scoundrels, with any exceptions being very few and far between.

The guy who donated a porno collection to the Goodwill Store
A local Goodwill received a donation of a porn collection (over 100 DVDs), with a note enclosed that said “Due to my new religious beliefs, I cannot keep these, but they are quite valuable. Hopefully you can sell them for a lot of money to help your group.”
Wow, thanks a lot. These will be a big hit in the retail shop. Such a large selection, everything from granny porn to bondage.
What were you thinking? If your religious beliefs won’t let YOU keep them, why in the figgldy fuck would you want someone ELSE to burn in HELL for all eternity?
Besides, you stupid ignorant fucknut, the Goodwill store threw them in the trash, so now no one will be able to enjoy them, even those whose religious views allow them to enjoy adult entertainment. What a waste.

Landlocked relatives.

Every time there’s the slightest chance that a hurricane might come within a thousand miles of here, I start getting calls and text messages from kinfolks who live north of I-10 as far away as Iowa..
“You better evacuate early, so you won’t get caught up in the traffic mess”
“Y’all are crazy to stay there with a storm coming. You must got a death wish.”
“UR CR8ZY. U SHD LV” (via text)
Hey, I’ve been here for fifty fucking years.
I know all about hurricanes.
I am the Dos Equis Man, the Captain Morgan, of Hurricanes. I know when to hold and when to fold. There might come a time when I say, hmmm, time to haul ass away from the Gulf for a few days. But if and when that time comes, I’ll know. I won’t need a farmer in a corn field to clue me in!

People who hate people who hate cats.
It is a God given right to hate cats. Or bugs, snakes, spiders, rats, worms, or the color green. But if you hate cats, there are mean people who hate YOU out there.
There’s no politically correct way to hate cats. You can tell about the diseases they carry, the native bird populations they decimate, the vandalism they commit, and the deaths of newborn babies attributed to them. It does not matter. If you hate cats, you are hated by those who hate cat haters. And there‘s a lot of ‘em.

Illiterate bastards

which clearly does not include you, since you’ve made it this far.

Another thing that pisses me off is when someone is right in the middle of a sentence, and they
.

It Really Happened…

Full Moon Fever and Mr. Smith:
18 year-old Natalie Marie Vasquez lives on Crescent Moon Drive. But according to an arrest report dated September 10th in Harris County, she showed more than a crescent moon to her “victim”.
In the dry language of the official document, the DA says that “On or about Sept. 9th (defendant) did then and there expose her anus to S.A. Smith with the intent to arouse and gratify the sexual desire of the defendant… to wit: The defendant exposed her anus in view of the public.”
There is no other information given, so I am suspecting that “Smith” is a detective, and Natalie is a stripper. However, the affadavit says she did it for her own gratification…
She is charged with indecent exposure.

Because I wanna be a cowboy. Baby…
Houston police arrested Reggie Essic Jr. on Sept. 9 for fraudulent use of identification.
Essec was found in possession of items (including drivers license and Social Security number) belonging to one Jesse James.
Maybe Essec couldn’t help it. Who wouldn’t want a drivers license, or even a Social Security card with the name Jesse James on it? Especially in Texas.
But then again, maybe not. Essic has a prior arrest for using someone else’s credit card, a victim with the very non-cowboy name of Jideofor Udeani. He has also past arrests for burglary, weed, and stealing a camera.

Luck runs out for China Nicole Kitchens
In the wee hours of January 31, 2008, a ratty Toyota Corolla with four losers inside pulled up at the Citgo convenience store at 34th and Seawall Blvd. in Galveston.
The driver was 18 year-old Katie Wade. With her were Matthew Hutchinson, 16, of Clute; Robert Lee Stevens, 33, of Clute; and 16 year-old China Nicole Kitchens. Stevens got out. He went into the store and robbed the 40 year-old clerk at gunpoint then shot him twice, killing him.
Stevens then ran out in front of the store, where the car picked him up. The vehicle then headed east on Seawall.
Patrol Officer George Simpson was on patrol when he noticed the car making an illegal u-turn on Seawall. He pulled the vehicle over.
Officer Simpson noticed blood on Stevens shoes. The computer revealed that Stevens had prior arrests and convictions for drugs, robbery, escape, and theft. All four were soon taken to the Joe Max Taylor building for questioning. A large amount of blood and cash were found on Stevens. Both females gave full confessions. China, age 16, admitted to being the lookout for the robbery.
All four were charged with capital murder.
Stevens got life. Wade got 12 years, and Hutchinson got 15. But, with the help of high-priced lawyer Dick DeGuerin, China Kitchens walked out of court and went home.

It seems the Galveston police made seven different procedural errors in dealing with China, who was a juvenile at the time.
Judge Susan Criss had to grit her teeth and accept a plea that gave Kitchens a sweet deal: 10 years deferred adjudication. China got what Criss called the chance of a lifetime.
However, the deal required that China stay out of trouble for the next ten years.
It just wasn’t going to happen.
In January, she was busted for public intoxication. In June she was charged with DUI.
In July, pregnant, she was arrested in Rockport for possession of heroin. She made bail before Galveston could get a warrant, then hid out for two weeks, but was finally caught.
China Nicole is now back in the Galveston County jail, held without bond, and could receive as much as life in prison.
Now prosecutors have their own “chance of a lifetime” – they can rectify their mistakes and do what should have been done before: Put this killer away for a long, long time.

Screwed!

Amazing Auto Service Center, Pasadena – Deer Park

4840 Center Street, Deer Park, Texas
Excerpts from numerous recent reports:

From Yellowpages.com:
This place is the biggest ripoff. These guys are so shady. You better have cash in hand, because they don’t take checks and claim that their credit card machine is broken. They are from New York, so maybe that tells you something. (gharrison55)
From Foursquare.com
This place told me $10 for an oil change, then they broken my brake line and charge $275 to fix, or I can’t get my car back. Very crooked. (Jay M)
From RipoffReport.com:
Went in to have headlight bulb changed and was charged 100 dollars. Stay away! (ginger)
From RipoffReport.com:
First, they offer a $10 complimentary oil change. This is nothing more than a scam to get you in, so they can break something on your car. I watched it happen.
From Topix.com
Wife went for oil change, and they claimed her timing belt needed replaced, $850 repair bill. I ask for the old belt when we picked up car, but they said they threw away. Won’t accept checks or credit cards, just cash. Stay away, bad place. (trucker tom)

EDITOR’S NOTICE: This place generated so much local interest that we paid our private investigator to find out what’s happening there. The place is owned by a 50 year-old man named Joseph Michael Phillips. He is originally from Schenectady County, New York. Joe is a convicted drug felon (crack cocaine) in New York. His arrest record there includes threatening to burn down someone’s house; possessing crack; firearms violations; and more. Since coming to Pasadena, he has been arrested in Harris County for Felon In Possession of a Firearm; Fraudulent Use of ID Information (using someone else‘s Social security # to open a bank account); and Criminal Damage to Property (trashing a car, nearly $2,000 in damages). All of those arrests occurred this year.
We are also aware that Joe Phillips has been very active recently writing fraudulent business checks on a closed account with the Wells Fargo Bank to obtain goods.
In spite of all of this, Joe is still free, doing business at Amazing Auto Service Center in Deer Park.

According to a former employee, he is currently looking for a new location, and thinking of changing the name of the business.
When we tried to interview this guy, he got really pissed and threatened us with bodily harm!

Eastex Collision Repair, 11358 Eastex Freeway, Houston

Excerpts from four recent reports from RipoffReport.com:
“They towed my truck after an accident in which I was hit by another driver. I was injured in the crash, and was not charged. After 3 days I went to get my truck. The bill was $931.00 for towing and storage. They did no repairs. What a ripoff!”
“I was towed to Eastex Collision where they swindled me into choosing them as my repair shop. All of the parts used to repair my car were used and from pick-a-part, but they were billed to Progressive Insurance as new parts.”
“Our vehicle was stolen and was found and towed to Eastex Collision. We were making preparations to have the vehicle towed to a dealer but the people at Eastex insisted that they were equipped and capable of repairing our vehicle. What a joke. They repaired our vehicle for over 3 MONTHS! They had no clue what they were doing. We finally got our vehicle and it still wasn’t fixed! They’re in the business of ripping people off!”
“My car was towed to Eastex after being involved in an accident on Sunday night. On Monday afternoon I arrived at Eastex to pay towing services and prevent any further storage charges.
The representative advised me that in order for Eastex to release my belongings, I needed to sign a “release”. Don’t be fooled! Little did I know, the paperwork I signed basically gave Eastex power of attorney over my car! These guys are a bunch of crooks!”

Brew Ha Ha

There was a man in a tavern one night that got really drunk, I mean REALLY drunk. When the place closed. he got up to walk home. As he swayed out the door he saw a nun walking by on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her right in the eye. Well the nun was really shocked but before she could do anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he staggered over to her and kicked her in the ass. Then he picked her up and threw her into the street. By this time the nun was hurt and couldn’t move. So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. “Not such a badass tonight, are you Batman?”

The teacher wrote on the blackboard: “I ain’t had no fun in months.” Then asked the class, “How should I correct this sentence?” Little Johnny raised his had and replied, “Get yourself a new boyfriend.”

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said he could be bought for 50 bucks. “Why so little,” she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.” The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.” When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new whores.” The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman’s husband came home from work. The bird saw him and said, “New Madam, New whores. Same old customers!”

An alien walks into a bar and sits next to a drunk guy and begins poking him in the shoulder. The drunk guy just ignores him. After a wile the guy turns to the alien and begins looking him up and down. He notices that the alien has no genitalia. He then asks “You guys don‘t have a penis? How do you guys have sex?” The alien, still poking him in the arm, just smiles!

So two crackheads have been charged with possession. The judge decides to be lenient on them and not give them any time if they spend the next 24 hours reforming drug users. They return to the courthouse the next day and the judge asks them how many people they’ve gotten off drugs. The first guy says, “Twenty-four!” “Amazing,” says the judge! How’d you do it?” “Simple,” says the crackhead. “I just show them: ‘O’ – This is your brain; ‘o’ – this is your brain on drugs.” “Impressive,” says the judge. Turning to the second crackhead, he says, “And how did you do?” “Your honor, I saved 102 people from the bonds of the evil crack.” “And how did you manage that?” “Kind of the same as the other guy, ‘except I told people: ‘o’ – this is your asshole; ‘O’ – THIS is your asshole in prison.”

There’s this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, “What do you think you’re doing?” The drunk says, “I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I’m waiting on my house. Won’t be long now, there goes my neighbor.”

Bad Sam’s Hidden History

After watching all of the recent TV shows trying to portray the
9-11 attacks as The New Alamo, I still have a few questions…
Sorry, I have really tried to drink the kool-ade. But there are too many things that don’t add up.
The recent balls-to-the-wall coverage on ten networks didn‘t address any of these issues. Instead, they focused on honoring those who died. If you really want to honor them, solve the crime!
Why do demolition experts continue to spend weeks planting and positioning cutting charges, and setting them off in a precisely timed manner, when the building collapses of 9-11 obviously prove that burning jet fuel works just as well in less than an hour?
If the official story is true, just set fire to some kerosene, and a few minutes later, the whole thing will collapse in a uniform manner directly into its’ own footprint with minimal collateral damage. I don’t think jet fuel burns hot enough to do that. It burns at a lower temperature than charcoal, which is why we use starter fluid (essentially the same as jet fuel) to light up our grills. But strangely, the barbecue grill doesn’t collapse or incinerate into ashes, try it and see. So what really caused the buildings to collapse on 9-11?
How is it that BBC reporters were announcing the collapse of WTC #7 as it still stood in the background? Then, about a half hour later, that building did collapse. How did they know it would happen before it did?

Why did FEMA deploy to New York City on the night before the attacks (9-10), with instructions to be ready for action Tuesday (9-11) morning? They were allegedly there to drill for a potential future emergency involving attacks on Manhattan and multiple trauma cases. It turned out to be mighty lucky they were there, even if it was simply by accident. Or was it?
Why did President Bush on 9-11, after the attacks, order private jets to evacuate the entire Bin Laden Family from the United States without investigation? Why was his dad meeting with Salem Bin Laden at the very time the attacks were occurring? According to Bush Sr., they were just talking business: Pipelines, oil, investments, that sort of thing. The fact that the attacks happened on the day they were meeting in a private conference was said to be merely a coincidence.
Why didn’t our fighter planes get into the air to intercept the attacking planes? There were 40 minutes after the first strike, during which our government knew we were under attack, knew that multiple planes had been hijacked, and knew where these planes were and what directions they were heading. The attacks occurred in the most heavily defended part of America, with hundreds of fighter planes available from dozens of bases. So why did we not get even one plane in the air?
How is it that we were conducting military drills and exercises on 9-11? Under instructions from Vice President Dick Cheney, there were actually two terror attacks on 9-11, one real and one a simulated attack called Operation Vigilant Guardian. Both of them involved multiple hijacked airliners attacking both Washington and New York. Both happened on 9-11 during the exact same time frame. According to the Dept. of Defense the fact that they coincided was simply a fluke.
Why is it that there are no pictures or video of the plane that hit the Pentagon? I’ve been to the Pentagon, and it is probably the most tricked-out place on Earth with cameras. There are video and still cameras sitting on every light post. The entire grounds, prior to 9-11, were literally covered with motion sensors, cameras, infrared, and the most sophisticated security and surveillance technology available on this planet. I doubt that a sparrow could fly across the property without incurring thousands of images of himself. And yet, we have not one single photo of an airplane at the Pentagon. That is impossible. Somehow, according to the Pentagon, the strike occurred during those tiny milliseconds that occur between the frames of numerous simultaneous cameras.
What about the stock sales before 9-11 that sold United and American stock short?
Volume was reportedly 2,000 times normal. We were told by the President that people made money off the attacks. Later we were told that these investors had done so anonymously, and could not be traced. This is impossible. How do you buy and sell stocks anonymously?
What about the calls made from the planes? Even the FBI now says the high-altitude cell calls never happened. The claim by former Bush lawyer Ted Olson that his wife called him twice from her cell phone is false. Technology at the time made it impossible. Later, after a 2006 story I wrote about the cell phones, the FBI changed their official story, saying that there were no cellular calls made from Flight 77, that the calls made came from passenger-seat phones aboard the flight.
Unfortunately, none of the 757s in American Airlines fleet in 2001 were equipped with passenger phones, including Flight 77! American Airlines official statement said “There are no passenger phones on our 757s. The passengers on flight 77 used their own personal cellular phones.”
Where did the hijackers come from? When a plane gets ready to take off, there are two lists that are strictly documented: Passengers and Crew. There is no third list, no shadowy figures lurking around the plane. You cannot “sneak” a crew of 4-5 Arabic guys onto a plane. Yet none of the hijackers are among those listed as passengers or crew. Every passenger and crew member has been accounted for on all 4 flights, and none of them is an alias for any of the accused hijackers. So how did these fellows materialize out of thin air at 30,000 feet?
Why didn’t the Pentagon know a plane was coming? Pentagon officials claimed they had no warning of an approaching aircraft. In fact, a military E-4B, the Air Force’s most advanced communications, command, and control airplane, was flying nearby over the White House at the time. The Pentagon is the most guarded structure in the world, complete with advanced radar and surface-to-air missiles, able to intercept and destroy any approaching threat.
Why didn’t the Secret Service protect the President? Without explanation, the Secret Service let George W. Bush remain at a Sarasota, FL school for 30 minutes after learning the second tower was struck, ignoring standard procedures to immediately secure his safety in any suspected attack against the United States. Why did they not follow their most basic fundamental orders?
Why did the FAA disarm pilots just before 9-11? The FAA issued an order that banned pilots from carrying pistols just 2 months before 9-11. Prior to that, many pilots carried pistols.
How did Rummy know ahead of time? Donald Rumsfeld, one hour before the attacks started, told a delegation of congressmen that “there would be an event that would occur in the world that would be sufficiently shocking that it would remind people again how important it is to have a strong, healthy Defense Department ” How did he know?
More questions: Why was an Israeli-owned company allowed 72 hours of unlimited and unsupervised access to the WTC properties the weekend before the attacks, allegedly to install fiberoptic cables? Why were unusual white vans seen arriving at the WTC at 3 am and leaving at 7 am every night for 4 nights before 9-11? Why, just days before 9-11, did they get rid of the bomb-sniffing dogs who had patrolled the WTC since the 1993 attack?
We have been lied to. And we will probably never know the truth. Lest the thousands of dead, including our troops, be dead in vain, there needs to be a new 9-11 Commission, and the questions above (and many others) need to be addressed.

BarTalk

Some Notes From Your Bartender…

From recent interviews with 3 local bartenders:

Don’t phuck with the phone: Let me spell this out, since some people just don’t get it. The bar phone belongs to the BAR. It is not a community phone, it’s a business phone. And the bar staff is NOT your answering service.
I love when people call the bar to see if a customer’s there, and I ask who’s calling, and they give me a smartass reply like, “A person.” Oh, good one! Click.
They are going to keep calling back, and I’m going to keep hanging up on their ass. That’s because they shouldn’t be bothering the bar in the first place. They aren’t in here spending money, so they have no right to interrupt me from serving the people who are.
Was the bar nice enough to find who you’re looking for and put them on the phone for you? Big mistake on the bar’s part, because now you will expect it all the time.
Did the bartender let you make a call from the bar’s phone? Also not good, now you will expect to use it every time you’re there. That’s great how you’re tying up the phone when actual business calls may be trying to get through.
And every bartender has had to deal with a customer’s crazy spouse calling the bar over and over looking for them. If your man is ignoring his cell phone, guess what? That is your problem. Don’t expect us to give a fuck, we aren’t your secretaries. We have a job to do, and it doesn’t entail helping you badger one of our customers. If you just won’t leave the poor guy alone, you need to unglue your ass from the couch and go look for him yourself.
Oh, and I don’t blame him for avoiding you. I don’t even know you and I don’t like dealing with you either.

Abandoned drinks: You’re at the bar, doing your thing, and you leave your drink behind to go do whatever. Not a full drink, mind you, but a mostly empty drink that is by now mainly melted ice or an inch of flat beer. And it sits there. So your server, whose job is to keep the bar clean, picks it up. Then you go back to where you were, notice your drink is gone, and freak out. “You stole it! You stole my drink!” Yeah dude, I’m auctioning it on Ebay as we speak. Now you’re demanding another one, free of course. Sure, the “theft” of your millimeters of backwash really entitles you to a full free drink. If you still wanted it, why did you abandon it?
Since you must have every last droplet of your drink, how about you keep it with you, or finish that last little swallow before you wander off? Wow, what a concept.

Patience, Jackass: Usually the only time servers get to take a pause from the action is during their meal break. Most bars don’t have a break room, so they usually have to eat out in the bar area.
It doesn’t matter if the bar’s been dead for hours, once you sit down to eat, that’s when people come in.
When you’re in a bar and you see a server having their meal break, I have only one request: LEAVE THEM THE FUCK ALONE. This is the only 10-15 minutes they get. Please, let them have those few minutes they need to eat.
This is not the time to sit down beside them and start asking questions while their mouth is full. (Besides, doesn’t logic serve that if they wanted to hang with you during their break, they would’ve sat with you?)
Worst of all are people who watch you eat. This happens a lot, usually by bored men who are sitting alone. Just a little creepy, yes? And keep your nosy comments to yourself. All we ask is that you let us have our short meal break without harassment. You can handle that, can’t you?

Cox Communications to buy Sears retail stores

Sears, once America’s top retailer, has been purchased by Atlanta-based Cox Enterprises. The company owns cable TV franchises and newspapers – including the Atlanta Journal.

Cox officials say they do not expect to make a lot of changes in personnel, but do intend to take the company in a more “upscale” direction, while preserving their traditional product lines which remain popular.

“It will always be Sears” said CEO Benjamin Sollew in Chicago, “it is still the place where America shops.”

At the Galleria Sears in Houston, assistant manager Ashante Youngblood said he had been told the company wasn’t planning any major changes in the product lines.

“We will still be selling seersucker suits” he said, adding that “I guess now we’ll have to start calling them Coxsucker suits.”

The Seersucker suit has been a staple of gay couture for over 100 years. With Cox buying Sears, will it soon be known as the Cox-Sucker suit?

Breast Importation Ringleader Busted

Women who receive breast implants get a product that often does not seem lifelike to the touch. An entrepreneurial woman in Pasadena admits she formed a business plan to help these women. Texas prosecutors are calling her scheme illegal, and making plans to prosecute.
Linda Walsockett, 25, allegedly teamed up with a clinic in Matamoros, Mexico, to purchase breasts from impoverished Mexican women, and transplant them to American women who are willing to pay as much as $100,000 per knocker. The Mexican women are paid about $500 each, without nipples.
Until recently, breast transplants were very rare. The first successful human breast transplant was performed in 1986, by Dr. Kitchen Bonehard. Unlike internal organs, the chance of the body rejecting breasts is very low, although it has happened.

Walsockett admits to sporting an imported bust that was harvested from a 20 year old Mexican crackhead.

In the procedure, which is performed in a doctors office, the new bust is placed under the patient’s existing breasts, below the skin.  It takes about 30 minutes, and heals in a few weeks.

Investigators believe Walsockett is responsible for 20 such transplants, which are a violation of the Federal Breast Enhancement Act.

“We also think it might fall under Human Smuggling, even though it’s not whole humans, just tits” said assistant prosecutor Pierre Manuel O’Shea. “There may be additional charges.”

Customers who obtained the organs asked not to be identified.  One of them, Chistianne Heffel of Texas City,  said she didn’t see anything wrong with Walsockett’s business practices.  Heffel said that “… Mexicans dream of coming to America.  This allows a part of them to enjoy freedom and liberty in the greatest country on Earth.  It’s a win-win.”

Another client, Judy Slagle, said she didn’t see anything wrong with the idea, but she was not completely satisfied with the procedure.  “I have one that stands up and says hello, and one that droops down like a tired puppy,” she said, “I think maybe I got one from a granny and one from a tranny!”

Illegal Immigrants Returning To Mexico For American Jobs

As dozens of major American corporations continue to move their manufacturing operations to Mexico, waves of job-seeking Mexican immigrants to the United States have begun making the deadly journey back across the border in search of better-paying Mexican-based American jobs.

“I came to this country seeking the job I sought when I first left this country,” said Anuncio Reyes, 22, an undocumented worker who recrossed the U.S. border into Mexico last month, three years after leaving Mexico for the United States to work as an agricultural day laborer. Reyes now works as a spot-welder on the assembly line of a Maytag large-appliance plant and earns $22 a day, most of which he sends back to his family in the U.S., who in turn send a portion of that back to the original family they left in Mexico.

Like many former Mexican-Americans forced by circumstance to become American-Mexicans, Reyes dreams of one day bringing his relatives to Mexico so that they, too, may secure American jobs there.

Despite the considerable risk illegal immigrants face in returning across the border, many find the lure of large U.S. factory salaries hard to resist – these positions pay three times what Mexican jobs do.

Still, the danger is very real. When 31-year-old illegal Arizona resident Ignacio Jimenez sought employment at an American plant in Mexico, he was shot at by Mexican border guards as he attempted to illegally enter the country of his citizenship, pursued by U.S. immigration officials who thought he might be entering the country illegally, and fired upon again by a citizens volunteer group called the Minutemen.

They eventually fished him out and sent him back to wash dishes at T.G.I. Friday’s in McAllen.

Strangely, the trend of illegal re-emigration is causing great resentment among the local Mexican population, and tension between Mexicans and illegally re-entered Mexicans – called “repatriados” – continues to build.

“I hate these Mexicans, always coming back here to Mexico from America and taking American jobs from the Mexicans who stayed in Mexico,” said 55-year-old former Goodyear factory manager Miguel Diaz, who lost his job to a better-trained repatriado last March.

“Why don’t they go back to where they went to?”

Habitual Offender Faces 25 Years

August 16th was not a good day for local resident Luther Rabble, age 29.

Rabble was crossing Highway 646 in Hitchcock when his troubles began. Due to recent accidents, police have cracked down on jaywalkers in the area.

Officer Paul Ischatov spotted Rabble crossing the highway between signals, and decided to write him a citation. This is a minor offense which carries no more than 5 years state prison time.

Luther Rabble, mugshot courtesy of Galveston County Sheriffs Office

However, as the officer approached, Rabble hawked up a big loogie, spitting onto an adjacent sidewalk. This is a serious infraction.

Rabble was charged with Expectorating On A Public Thoroughfare, Aggravated Jaywalking, and Vagrancy. The last charge was filed after Ischatov discovered that Rabble was carrying no cash – only credit cards. In Texas, the law requires you to carry at least $10 cash on your person, ostensibly to pay bribes with.

Because three separate offenses are involved, if convicted on all counts, Rabble will be sentenced under the “Three Strikes and You’re Out” law, which carries a 25 year minimum without parole.

He may be released as early as 2034 with good behavior.

Prosecutor Frye Frisch says he plans to “throw the booklet” at Rabble.

Rabble’s lawyer, F. U. Bailey, said his client will plead No Comprende to the charges.  “I have spent many hours with my client going over every detail of the case”, Bailey told Nightmoves, “and I am convinced that he is well able to afford my fee”.

Rabble will be in court next on December 13th.

GROUP WANTS CRACK LEGALIZED:

A Houston group wants to make crack cocaine legal for medicinal purposes in Texas.

The group, called T.A.L.C. (Texas Alliance to Legalize Crack) has asked the State Legislature to allow Doctors, Psychiatrists, and Notary Publics to write prescriptions for the drug.

In an exclusive interview with Gator Press, TALC President Skitz Burgelor said legal crack would make it possible for people who suffer from minor ailments to lose weight.

“Because there is a social stigma attached to this drug, many people would never dream of using it. But once it is approved for use, it becomes legitimate. Little old ladies will be smoking it on the way to church. Kind of like popping a pill is now.” Burgelor said.

When asked about the alleged harmful effects, Burgelor said “It’s no more harmful than drinking soda pop, and twice as much fun.” then he added “Does anybody have a Newport?”

During the interview, Bergelor kept going over to the window and peeking out the venetian blinds. He seemed nervous and “jumpy”. Later, he was seen carefully examining every speck on the carpet, as if looking for something.

Burgelor charged us $20 to cover his “transportation” to the interview.

After the interview was over, our answering machine and an old broken VCR were found to be missing.

When contacted by telephone, Burgelor said “I ain’t take y’all shit.”

Fast Food #2

Actual News Stories

Web users warned about social networking site MyBankDetails.com

Consumer groups are warning users not to use a new social networking website called MyBankDetails.com.
One user said:
“I joined the website last month and gave all my details including my bank details. I had no idea that by providing my account number, routing number, PIN number, a scanned version of my signature, my mother’s maiden name, my date of birth, thumb print and retinal scan, my identity could be stolen.”
A week later, his bank account had been cleaned out. To make matters worse, someone else had assumed his identity, taken his job, moved into his house and started to see his girlfriend.
“My life has been ruined, thanks to MyBankDetails.com”, he complained.
This isn’t an isolated incident. Security experts are warning that social networking websites can be very dangerous places and that users should avoid the temptation to post intimate details about themselves. One expert said:
“If you’re unwise enough to have done this, we suggest that you change your bank account as soon as possible, move to a different house, change your job and date of birth, get new fingerprints, and even change your parents. These are drastic measures, I know.”
We tried interviewing someone from MyBankDetails.com, but the website only accepts emails from registered users and we weren’t prepared to provide intimate details about our reporter. We therefore contacted the San Leon Police Fraud Unit.
Chief Pinero told us that he had tried to visit the website’s Kemah office. He said:
“Entry was by a buzzer system and they weren’t prepared to open the door until I gave them my bank details, so I gave up.”

Stone figures discovered on remote mountaintop

Archaeologists have uncovered four big stone heads on a mountain top in the remote mountains of South Dakota.
One of the archaeologists said: “These heads tell us a lot about the ancient people who built them. Their size indicates that they were a lot bigger than we are. The fact that they are not attached to necks suggest that the ancient people did not have bodies or limbs but were just large heads that floated around.”
Meanwhile, another theory is that the big stone heads are not actually sculptures at all but are real people encased in stone, much like the residents of the ancient city of Pompeii. “This mountain”, said Professor Bill Nerdling, “is an extinct volcano and these 4 large men were standing right under it when it erupted.”

Dr. Phil In Need Of More Clichés

Prominent psychologist and television personality Dr. Phil McGraw, who demands to be affectionately known as Dr. Phil (although he is not a doctor, and his real name is not Phil), is looking to expand his collection of trite one-liners and vague meaningless bullshit used to counsel guests on his show.
Though he has had much success over the years by telling people in his distinctive drawl, “Stop thinking the world revolves around you” or “You need to re-engineer your life,” fans of Dr. Phil are now saying that his platitudes are becoming marred by overuse.
The breaking point was when Dr. Phil said “Realize that perfectionism is an imperfection” eleven times in one show, inciting a wave of negative feedback from his viewers. With his current catalog of stock phrases, Dr. Phil has also had trouble counseling people who come to him with peculiar problems. One guest on his show revealed he had an irrational and crippling fear of hot air balloons, to which Dr. Phil nervously replied, “Stop being so controlling and critical… of, um, hot air balloons.”
Nevertheless, Dr. Phil still has a very large base of devoted supporters who are able to find meaning in his boring and useless advice.

Sand Sculpture lands teen in prison

A 17 year-old teenager is going to prison for two years for building a provocative sand sculpture in League City in May.
Gabriel Fossman was sentenced as an adult for the crime of “Felony Lewdness”, which carries up to ten years imprisonment. With good behavior, Fossman may be released after serving only 23 months.
Fossman and an accomplice created the sculpture on May 23rd at a local park. The accomplice was granted immunity in exchange for his testimony against Fossman. The pair were arrested after a woman confronted them at the park and phoned police. Fossman reportedly called the woman a “dumb bitch”, and was tasered 36 times after being handcuffed by officers.
The jury of 9 women, 2 men, and one of undetermined sex, reached the guilty verdict after deliberating for only nine minutes.

Rummy has a brand new bag

Former Secretary of Defense Don Rumsfeld has started a new band, a classic rock and blues – oriented gospel band called “Rummy & The Troop Surge”. The band has been booked at several smoke-free Christian nightclubs.

Titty Shot Tuesday…